Here's my story,
My friend A got engaged earlier this year and the wedding is set for year 2008. She asked me to be her bridesmaid, without thinking about it I said yes immediately.
Fast forward to the present. A wants to have her bachelorette party in Las Vegas. The maid of honor sent out a notice regarding the dates and cost. The party will last for 2 night. The minimum cost for this trip is $600(includes only air fare, 2night hotel stay & gifts for A). In reality, I think it will run closer to a $1000.
Here's the detail. There are 6 of us. Everyone is tight with money, and one of the bridesmaids is flying over from overseas. Therefore, we are not paying for A's share (a bit unconventional, but no one is complaining. A realises her bridesmaid can't afford to pay for her share, she is completely fine with paying for herself.) However, I am sure the bridesmaids will buy A drinks and food once they are there.
I struggled between my internal and external self. My internal self says, I don't like Las Vegas (yes I know, I am the only one in this country that don't like LV). $1000 for a [Bachelorette] 2-night party is A LOT. It is too extravagant, and I think it's too much for A, too. (Let's just say she has to finance her wedding.) Therefore, I think it is totally irresponsible to go on a trip like this. Furthermore, I have many financial goals that I'd like to reach within the next 2 years; For example, I much prefer to use this $1000 to open an account with ETrade or Fidelity than to throw it away partying in Vegas. I don't want to go
My external self says, I am my friend A's bridesmaid. I have to be there for her. I have to do what is expected of me. In the name of fulfilling a bridesmaid's duty and not disappointing a friend. I have to go.
My internal self won.
After I communicated my decision to A, she was/is disappointed. She normally is not the whiny, needy, entitled type. But her response presented her as such. I let it go, and replied as apologetic as possible. She still didn't get it. Therefore, I told her, I already spent $100 for the bridesmaid's dress, and I will write you a check for your reception. (she doesn't expect it, but she really really hopes people will give them cash as gifts.) So, if I were to go on this trip. The total amount that I have to spend is way more than what I can afford.
She later on apologised to me, she said she should have accept the fact that I can't go and leave it at that.
I've asked many people for their thoughts on this. I got responses from "No, you didn't! You are her bridesmaid!" to "What? that's expensive! I wouldn't go either."
There are things I left out, such as my personal thoughts on my friend A's response, but I will keep it to myself. Because I want to be fair to her, I don't want my perception of reality and opinion to potentially put her under a bad light.
Please leave your honest opinion. Do you think I am wrong? Am I selfish? (Don't worry, I have thick skin...at least in the virtual world.)
I asked one of my friends if she thinks I am heartless. She said, "No, you are not heartless. It's just your personality."
Yes, and Carl Jung said, "Personality type is destiny."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
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10 comments:
I think you did the right thing! $1000 is way too much to ask of people. Your friend should have been more sensitive and planned two parties (one cheap, one expensive) and not made a big deal about who showed up to which.
Having been alot of expensive bachelor parties, I know plenty of people who haven't gone because of financial issues. It's never been an issue. I know for the bachelor parties I've been to, the Best Men who have organized have always gauged the audience to see what was appropriate. So if the potential attendees felt that something was too much they would speak up, and collectively we would try to hash something more workable. If not and some people can't make it, it's alwasy been understood. As a result when I was younger, the bachelor parties were more toned down, and now I end up flying somewhere and blowing alot of money. However on every expensive bachelor party I've been on everyone has wanted to be there and spoke earlier to indicate that.
I think your decision is reasonable given the situation. However if an error was made it would be with the initial planning and agreement. I wouldn't worry about it though - just have fun at the wedding.
I think you did the right thing, given your situation. I probably would have done the same.
If everyone is on a budget, it's not really fair to expect all the bridesmaids to pay for such an expensive trip. Like Dong said, perhaps you could collectively decide to do something more affordable.
I think you made the right decision as well. If you have built this trip into your budget, spending $1000 for two nights of fun is out of the question. Also...just because you are a bridesmaid does NOT mean you have to do everything the bride wants. Somehow our view of weddings has gotten extremely materialistic....just my two cents...
As a bride-to-be in the midst of planning my own wedding, and coupled with some debt myself (see my blog!) I can totally sympathize with your plight. Those people you talked to that said "no way you're a bridesmaid, you have to go!" have never been in financial difficulty and in order to understand what your decision they should put themselves in your shoes. even if there is no financial difficulty to overcome but rather ambitious goals to achieve such as opening retierment/savings accounts, I think that takes precedence over spending $1000 on a bachelorette party.
I love Vegas, but I spent way less than that on even LONGER vacations there. $1000 for two days? That's EXCESSIVE!
Hopefully your friend A will understand that you don't need to get drunk with her in LV to show that you are her true friend. What counts is that you'll be at her wedding and you already made the commitment to do so. Is she forcing you guys to get your hair/makeup/nails done at the same place or can you do your own or at a discount salon? (i hope it's the latter two).
My maid of honor wants to hold my bachelorette party in Vegas and as much as I would think it's a blast, I know the other two girls wouldn't be able to go coz of money issues. And I'm not forcing them to. I told them we'd be fine club hopping here in Chi-town. I don't expect them to give me more than one gift neither. it irks me when brides expect a gift for a shower, bachelorette party, wedding and then later the house warming.
Thank you all for being so supportive.
Dong, we don't have a democracy, my friend A said she WANTS to go to Vegas for her Bachelorette, there was never a vote or discussion on what potential attendees would prefer. A vote or discussion was not an option.
niuiceprincess, I am not in a dire financial difficulty but I do have ambitious financial goals. The key here is, my friend A doesn't understand this. She hates personal finance and managing money. She doesn't understand the concept of financial goals being more important than partying.
And no she is not forcing us to get our makeup/hair professionally done. I am just going to do it myself.
I think it's ridiculous that she just arbitrarily decided to have the party out of town.
Very inconsiderate to her friends.
Mike
While it's clearly her party, I think it's presumptive on the bride's part to assume all her friends want to go to Vegas just because she wants to. I think she be more sensitive to the needs her friends. I guess this might be a difference between guys and girls - alot of the time for guys, the bachelor party is more about the friends than the groom.
Typical American - retirement is too far away to comprehend so they blow their money on ephemeral pleasure and hope the nanny state will take care of them.
Fiscally responsible Americans will always be admonished when they are young and envied when they are old.
"I don't like Las Vegas (yes I know, I am the only one in this country that don't like LV)." I met a couple of others before you who don't like LV, but it still doesn't cease to amaze me that someone doesn't like LV!!!
Now that we have that out of the way... :) I think you did the right thing! I am sorry it got a little out of hand and you felt like you must be the worst bridesmaid of the year, but in the long run that will fade into the background and you will be proud of your decision to do what is right! Even if you decide to blow the exact same $1K on a vacation someday, it will be where you want to go and when its the right time for you - not something you have to do because an inconsiderate friend forced you to! Try not to beat yourself up about this or worry about what others say...
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